


don't say that

by never_mind_singularity



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Best Friends, Gender Dysphoria, Making Out, Multi, Nonbinary Character, POV First Person, Polyamory, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 10:22:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15993236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/never_mind_singularity/pseuds/never_mind_singularity
Summary: After three years of living with Dan and Phil, their roommate finally manages to come to terms with their gender identity and attraction to them.





	don't say that

They hadn’t even gotten home and I was struggling to not cry. My hands were clasped tightly in my lap as I fidgeted nervously. Tears were brimming behind my eyelids threatening to splutter out at any given moment. I sniffled and resituated my weight for the fifth time in thirty seconds. 

I had been living with the YouTubers Dan and Phil for the past three years. Which obviously wasn’t anything to cry about. They were both incredibly supportive friends, but because of how amazing they were, I had fallen head over heels for them. This wouldn’t have necessarily been a problem if I hadn’t been closeted the whole time too. 

I finally heard them making their ways up the stairs. Dans familiar complaining echoed through the hall. I couldn’t help laughing to myself at the commotion. There was some metallic clattering as they unlocked the door, but soon they stood in the doorway. 

“It wasn’t that big of a deal,” Phil laughed, taking Dan’s jacket and hanging it up.

“I almost _died_ _Philip_!” Dan exclaimed dramatically

“Whoa, why are you crying?” Phil said, tone immediately changing.

I felt their attention shift from their typical banter to me sitting anxiously on the couch. I pursed my lips and gulped down my nerves as best I could.

“I have something to tell you guys,” I stated.

They disregarded the groceries they had returned with and sat across from me. Both of their eyes conveyed unique concern.

“Go ahead,” Dan prompted softly.

I felt like my whole world was about to crumble out beneath my feet. It wouldn’t have been as big a deal if I wasn’t helplessly in love with both of them. Just them staring at me caused my heart to stutter against my ribcage.

“I’m nonbinary,” I finally managed to say shakily.

There were a few long seconds of silence. Phil was processing the statement and Dan just stared at me puzzled.

“Is that it?” he questioned.

I nodded shyly.

“That’s nothing to cry about,” Dan said comfortingly.

“Yeah, we accept you no matter what,” Phil assured.

Phil pulled me into a hug and Dan joined to my right.

“It’s not just that,” I groaned into Phil’s shoulder.

I could feel the two exchanging looks even though I couldn’t see them.

“You can tell us,” Phil replied softly, stroking my hair.

“I didn’t want to come out because I was worried it would ruin my chances with you two,” I mumbled.

Phil gently loosened our embrace so Dan and he could see me. I dabbed away at the tears streaking my cheeks. Both of them were looking at me with slight confusion written across their faces. I could barely bring myself to look at them. My heart was racing so fast after those words had slipped from my lips. 

“Don’t say that,” Phil finally said, breaking the heavy silence.

“What do you mean?” I retorted, “There is no way that you two would be interested in me.”

“Fuck, don’t say that,” Dan sighed, standing up and positioning himself at my feet. 

I tried to look away from his face out of embarrassment. But he quickly grasped my hand to stop me. I finally met his dark expressive eyes.

“We didn’t say anything to you because we didn’t want to mess up our friendship,” Phil explained.

I turned to him in shock, but those familiar blue eyes told me he was being honest. 

“We both love you,” Dan added, Phil nodded in agreement.

“You can’t be serious,” I replied.

I couldn’t let my hopes up. The past few years had been hellish trying to conceal how I felt about both of them. Especially when the two had gone on dates with people. 

“We are,” Phil smiled, gently stroking my hand comfortingly.

“You have no idea what you do to me,” Dan growled.

With that he leaned forward and suddenly our lips collided. I felt warmth flooding my body as our lips melded with each other. He prodded his tongue into my mouth, looping his fingers in my hair. The mint flavor of his chapstick freshened the kiss. I let out a satisfied moan as he started to press me back into the couch. Finally, he broke away, leaning back with a satisfied look on his face.

“That was hot,” Phil noted as we broke apart.

“How was that?” Dan questioned, blushing slightly.

“Minty,” I laughed.

“Oh fuck you, you enjoyed it!” Dan laughed, playfully slapping my leg.

“I bet they’ll like my kissing skills more Danny!” Phil said challengingly.

I laughed but also felt very gratified by Phil changing pronouns without being prompted to. I felt my stomach swarm with butterflies because of Phil’s perceptiveness but also because of Dan’s kiss.

Suddenly, Phil crawled up to me and drew me into a loving kiss. Unlike Dan, he tasted like strawberries. His hands gently cupped my face as he deepened the kiss. I unconsciously let Phil dominate me and slowly laid me down on the couch. He slotted his hips between my legs and experimentally rolled them. I let out a whimper as friction began to build between us.

“Oh fuck,” Dan grunted, watching us from the arm of the couch. 

Phil briefly broke the kiss to support himself using his arm. I looked back to see Dan palming himself through his tight black jeans. He let out a soft whine at the sight of Phil and me. I wrapped my legs around Phil’s hips, pulling him closer to me and grinding myself into him. 

I could feel the familiar heat building up in my gut. However, with that, I could feel dysphoria coming with it.

_ Why would they ever love you? _

I felt the discomforting doubt starting to replace the arousal. I tried to rub myself against Phil’s growing bulge to fight it off. 

_ You aren’t valid you’re just sick. _

My stomach twisted at the intrusive thought. I tried to force my thoughts to quiet, but it’s not that easy. Phil resituated his weight and in the process brushed my chest. 

_ He can feel your breasts, they’re so obvious, binding doesn’t even do anything.  _

_ Why do you bother binding?  _

_ You’ll never be androgynous enough. _

I stopped kissing Phil and loosened my legs. He immediately noticed that something was wrong.

_ You don’t deserve them. _

I curled into a fetal position and hid my face in my hands. 

“What’s wrong?” Phil immediately asked.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I chanted.

Dan dropped from his position on the arm of the chair. 

“Hey, it’s okay, I’ve got you,” Dan cooed.

He pulled me into his arms, letting me cry into his oversized sweatshirt.

“Tell us what’s going on,” Phil pleaded, rubbing my back.

“D-dysphoria,” I stammered between sniffles.

Phil retrieved a box of tissues and passed them to me. I nodded my thanks. I savored the feeling of practically disappearing in Dan’s arms. 

“I’m sorry, you’re both hard, I shouldn’t have stopped,” I apologized.

“It doesn’t matter,” Phil promised, “You got uncomfortable, we’re going to respect that.”

“Thank you.”

I continued to nuzzle into Dan’s chest, his arms firmly holding me. Phil rested beside us, arm draped over Dan’s shoulders, while his other held me tightly as well. Gradually the doubt and dysphoria dissipated and I started to doze off in the arms of the two men I loved.  

**Author's Note:**

> if you like my work feel free to check out my tumblr <3  
> https://never-mind-singularity.tumblr.com/


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